$401K / SPY ON STONKFUN

THE ORIGINAL
LOCKED STAKING
PROTOCOL.

Stake your youth.
Unlock at 65.

Every paycheck gets auto-staked. Your employer gives you a tiny airdrop. You wait 40 years. Maybe number goes up.

BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE

Your future self allegedly thanks you.

EMPLOYEE BENEFITS / SECURE SESSION
Exhausted Wojak at an office desk looking at a locked 401K dashboard
RETIREMENT PLAN STATUSACTIVE
STATUS
EMPLOYED
CONTRIBUTION
AUTO
VESTING
IN PROGRESS
UNLOCK
AGE 65
FREEDOM
PENDING
Employer match machine auto-depositing a small contribution into a 401K vault
FREE MONEY**requires decades of continued employment
BENEFIT CODE: TINY-AIRDROP-03

THE EMPLOYER
AIRDROP.

We appreciate your service. Here is 3%.

Every paycheck disappears before you even see it.

But don’t worry.

Corporate has decided to match a tiny portion of your sacrifice.

PAYROLL DISTRIBUTIONPAY PERIOD: FOREVER
PAYCHECK
$3,200
TAXES
-$750
401K
-$320
BILLS
-$1,900
LEFT FOR FUN
LOL
EMPLOYER MATCH
+$25
BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE
VESTING SCHEDULE / NON-NEGOTIABLE

LOCKED FOR
40 YEARS.

Vesting schedule: your entire adult life.

You start at 22. You work. You save. You wait. You age.

Then someday, maybe, you unlock the bag.

LOCKUP43 YEARS
LIQUIDITYLIMITED
WITHDRAWALPUNISHED
HOPESVESTING
BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE
401K and SPY conveyor belt carrying a worker from age 22 to retirement at 65
  1. 22FIRST JOB
  2. 30STILL WORKING
  3. 40COMPOUNDING
  4. 50STILL WORKING
  5. 60ALMOST
  6. 65UNLOCK*

*assuming civilization remains operational

EMPLOYEE SELF-SERVICE / FINANCIAL WELLNESS

YOUR FUTURE.
NOW WITH MORE PASSWORDS.

Please acknowledge the disclosures.

Corporate 401K benefits dashboard with account balance and retirement projections

Your entire financial future is managed through a portal you forgot the password to.

ACCOUNT BALANCE$0.00+19.7% since you stopped looking
EMPLOYEE CONTRIBUTION15%
SPY ALLOCATION69%
VESTING60%
60%
PROJECTED RETIREMENTAGE 65Based on hope
EARLY WITHDRAWALBAD IDEAHR is typing…
BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE
COMPLIANCE ALERT / ACCESS DENIED

NEED YOUR
MONEY?

That sounds expensive.

Sure, it’s your money. Technically.

Try touching it early and the system remembers who owns who.

!
EARLY WITHDRAWAL PENALTY10%
LOCKED
TAXYES
PENALTYYES
PAPERWORKYES
REGRETPROBABLY
FREEDOMDENIED

PAPER HANDS DETECTED. PLEASE REMAIN EMPLOYED.

BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE
IRS compliance machine slapping a worker with a 10 percent early withdrawal penalty beside a locked 401K vault
Retired Wojak celebrating as his 401K vault finally opens at age 65
FINAL DISTRIBUTION / VESTING COMPLETE

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU SERVED YOUR TIME.

Forty years. Thousands of paychecks. Several market crashes. One office chair.

The vault is finally open.

YEARS WORKED43
PAYCHECKS STAKED0
MARKET CRASHESSURVIVED
EMAILS SENTTOO MANY
MEETINGS ATTENDEDUNFORGIVABLE
FREEDOMUNLOCKED
$401K / SPYTHE ORIGINAL LONG-TERM HOLD.

RETIREMENT IS THE
EXIT LIQUIDITY EVENT.

BUY $401KBECOME A SLAVE